Part 2 - Parenting a Child With PDA: What Actually Helps (and How We Support Ourselves Too)
Before you dive in, you might like to read Part 1: Understanding PDA in Kids & Teens – Our Story and What It Really Looks Like.
When I first learned about PDA after my daughter was diagnosed with autism and the PDA profile, it felt overwhelming. It’s one thing to understand what it is, but another to completely rewire the way you parent. I won’t sugarcoat it — it’s tough. But it’s also beautiful once you start seeing the connection grow stronger because you’re working with your child instead of against them.
I still wish every day that I had known this sooner about my daughter so we didn't unknowingly put so much extra stress on her nervous system which has resulted in PDA burnout ... and perhaps we could have avoided some really hard times for her and us ... but I now focus on rebuilding things from here because you can't help with what you don't know — until you know, right?
After my first blog on this subject, I had a few parents reach out about how to get a diagnosis. Here in Australia, PDA is part of an autism diagnosis, so they either have this profile alongside or within their autism — or they don't. In the USA, PDA is a stand-alone diagnosis, so there’s often more support and resources outside of the ASD community.
We were lucky to already be seeing an excellent psychologist here in Brisbane who specialises in neurodiversity profiles. She noticed some signs in our daughter that went beyond her previous ADHD diagnosis. We ended up getting her autism diagnosis through a psychiatrist, and then her psychologist diagnosed the PDA profile. This all happened at the beginning of this year, at age 14.
We’ve made so many changes to our parenting since this diagnosis, with a lot of research and help from her psychologist, so I thought I’d briefly outline the most important ones here.
Shifting the Parenting Approach
Here are some of the changes we’ve made at home:
- Lower the demand – Instead of saying “Can you get in the car now,” I might say, “When you’re ready, the car is warming up.” And I just don't expect anything more than she’s capable of on her worst days. When she’s able to do more (that’s self-driven), I praise her and make sure she knows that we’ve noticed!
- Offer choices – For younger kids, choices like “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after putting on your PJs?” But for teens, it’s more about phrasing things as indirect statements, not demands — like “Just wondering if you’re showering tonight or in the morning before school?”
- Use humour and play – Turning a task into a game sometimes helps it feel less heavy. This used to work well, but now that she’s a teenager and her motivation to do any task is much lower, I’ll often take the burden off her by doing it myself or helping her with it. Yes, it makes my load heavier, but she’s so appreciative — and I know this isn’t forever.
- Watch their energy – Some days they just can’t. And that has to be okay. Even on holidays, my daughter might manage two hours of interacting or outside activity, then need to retreat for the rest of the day — and we simply accommodate that now.
- Co-regulate first – If she’s panicked, no words will land. Staying calm, lowering my voice, and just being present helps bring her back.
It’s not about letting her “get away” with things — it’s about recognising her brain and body respond differently to demands, and meeting her where she is.
School Adjustments
We reached out to our daughter’s school as soon as we had her new diagnoses so they could better understand her needs. One of the best decisions we made was finding a personal point of contact there — a teacher and head of faculty whom our daughter genuinely trusts.
She’s now our go-to person for everything school-related. We communicate directly with her, and she liaises with all of our daughter’s teachers when needed. Having that one advocate within the school has been such a relief. Of course, as parents, we still do a lot of the advocating ourselves — through emails, phone calls, and ongoing conversations — but having someone on the inside who truly understands makes a world of difference.
Right now, our daughter has a few supports in place to make school more manageable — things like a class pass and access to quiet spaces when she needs them. We also give her the flexibility to choose which days she attends, which usually ends up being about three days a week. We’re very fortunate to have the kind of work that allows us to support this arrangement, and it’s been a game-changer for her. Knowing she has that flexibility takes away so much pressure and allows her to focus and learn at her own pace, whether she’s at school or working from home.
What Helps Us as a Family
- Fewer words, more patience (and deep breaths from me!)
- Tiny steps, not big tasks: “Just socks,” instead of “Get ready.”
- Building in way more downtime during and after big-demand days
- Celebrating effort, not outcomes
And on the hard days? Remembering it’s okay to press pause and start again tomorrow.
Emotional Support Along the Way
The emotional load with PDA is heavy — not just for our kids, but for us as parents too. That’s why I lean on our Teenager Pack of flower essence blends. They don’t “fix” PDA, but they help soften the edges of those big emotions for both teens and parents.
- Teenager – for emotional ups and downs, the identity rollercoaster, and overwhelm
- Focus – for those small windows of concentration (especially when demands feel impossible)
- Slow Down – for winding down after a tough day or calming nerves before high-demand moments
- Self Love – for the times when self-worth dips (in both our kids and ourselves as we navigate the guilt and exhaustion)
I use them alongside my daughter, which feels like something we can share — our own little ritual of support when the day feels heavy.
A Final Word
If you’re parenting a child with PDA, I see you. It’s messy, emotional, exhausting, and confusing — but it’s also full of small victories, humour, and moments of connection that feel like gold.
You don’t have to get it perfect. Repair matters more than perfection. And you’re allowed to care for yourself along the way.
Helpful PDA Resources for Parents
- The PDA Society (UK) – a great starting place for information, strategies, and parent stories.
- Autistica: PDA Profile of Autism – helpful overview for families.
- PDA Support Group (Australia) – Facebook community for Aussie parents and carers.
- PDA Parent Support Group (Global) – international group sharing advice, resources, and lived experiences.
Reaching out to others who “get it” can make a world of difference — you’re not alone in this journey. 💛
Yours in Health,
Alisha x
Part 2 - Parenting a Child With PDA: What Actually Helps (and How We Support Ourselves Too)
Before you dive in, you might like to read Part 1: Understanding PDA in Kids & Teens – Our Story and What It Really Looks Like.
When I first learned about PDA after my daughter was diagnosed with autism and the PDA profile, it felt overwhelming. It’s one thing to understand what it is, but another to completely rewire the way you parent. I won’t sugarcoat it — it’s tough. But it’s also beautiful once you start seeing the connection grow stronger because you’re working with your child instead of against them.
I still wish every day that I had known this sooner about my daughter so we didn't unknowingly put so much extra stress on her nervous system which has resulted in PDA burnout ... and perhaps we could have avoided some really hard times for her and us ... but I now focus on rebuilding things from here because you can't help with what you don't know — until you know, right?
After my first blog on this subject, I had a few parents reach out about how to get a diagnosis. Here in Australia, PDA is part of an autism diagnosis, so they either have this profile alongside or within their autism — or they don't. In the USA, PDA is a stand-alone diagnosis, so there’s often more support and resources outside of the ASD community.
We were lucky to already be seeing an excellent psychologist here in Brisbane who specialises in neurodiversity profiles. She noticed some signs in our daughter that went beyond her previous ADHD diagnosis. We ended up getting her autism diagnosis through a psychiatrist, and then her psychologist diagnosed the PDA profile. This all happened at the beginning of this year, at age 14.
We’ve made so many changes to our parenting since this diagnosis, with a lot of research and help from her psychologist, so I thought I’d briefly outline the most important ones here.
Shifting the Parenting Approach
Here are some of the changes we’ve made at home:
- Lower the demand – Instead of saying “Can you get in the car now,” I might say, “When you’re ready, the car is warming up.” And I just don't expect anything more than she’s capable of on her worst days. When she’s able to do more (that’s self-driven), I praise her and make sure she knows that we’ve noticed!
- Offer choices – For younger kids, choices like “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after putting on your PJs?” But for teens, it’s more about phrasing things as indirect statements, not demands — like “Just wondering if you’re showering tonight or in the morning before school?”
- Use humour and play – Turning a task into a game sometimes helps it feel less heavy. This used to work well, but now that she’s a teenager and her motivation to do any task is much lower, I’ll often take the burden off her by doing it myself or helping her with it. Yes, it makes my load heavier, but she’s so appreciative — and I know this isn’t forever.
- Watch their energy – Some days they just can’t. And that has to be okay. Even on holidays, my daughter might manage two hours of interacting or outside activity, then need to retreat for the rest of the day — and we simply accommodate that now.
- Co-regulate first – If she’s panicked, no words will land. Staying calm, lowering my voice, and just being present helps bring her back.
It’s not about letting her “get away” with things — it’s about recognising her brain and body respond differently to demands, and meeting her where she is.
School Adjustments
We reached out to our daughter’s school as soon as we had her new diagnoses so they could better understand her needs. One of the best decisions we made was finding a personal point of contact there — a teacher and head of faculty whom our daughter genuinely trusts.
She’s now our go-to person for everything school-related. We communicate directly with her, and she liaises with all of our daughter’s teachers when needed. Having that one advocate within the school has been such a relief. Of course, as parents, we still do a lot of the advocating ourselves — through emails, phone calls, and ongoing conversations — but having someone on the inside who truly understands makes a world of difference.
Right now, our daughter has a few supports in place to make school more manageable — things like a class pass and access to quiet spaces when she needs them. We also give her the flexibility to choose which days she attends, which usually ends up being about three days a week. We’re very fortunate to have the kind of work that allows us to support this arrangement, and it’s been a game-changer for her. Knowing she has that flexibility takes away so much pressure and allows her to focus and learn at her own pace, whether she’s at school or working from home.
What Helps Us as a Family
- Fewer words, more patience (and deep breaths from me!)
- Tiny steps, not big tasks: “Just socks,” instead of “Get ready.”
- Building in way more downtime during and after big-demand days
- Celebrating effort, not outcomes
And on the hard days? Remembering it’s okay to press pause and start again tomorrow.
Emotional Support Along the Way
The emotional load with PDA is heavy — not just for our kids, but for us as parents too. That’s why I lean on our Teenager Pack of flower essence blends. They don’t “fix” PDA, but they help soften the edges of those big emotions for both teens and parents.
- Teenager – for emotional ups and downs, the identity rollercoaster, and overwhelm
- Focus – for those small windows of concentration (especially when demands feel impossible)
- Slow Down – for winding down after a tough day or calming nerves before high-demand moments
- Self Love – for the times when self-worth dips (in both our kids and ourselves as we navigate the guilt and exhaustion)
I use them alongside my daughter, which feels like something we can share — our own little ritual of support when the day feels heavy.
A Final Word
If you’re parenting a child with PDA, I see you. It’s messy, emotional, exhausting, and confusing — but it’s also full of small victories, humour, and moments of connection that feel like gold.
You don’t have to get it perfect. Repair matters more than perfection. And you’re allowed to care for yourself along the way.
Helpful PDA Resources for Parents
- The PDA Society (UK) – a great starting place for information, strategies, and parent stories.
- Autistica: PDA Profile of Autism – helpful overview for families.
- PDA Support Group (Australia) – Facebook community for Aussie parents and carers.
- PDA Parent Support Group (Global) – international group sharing advice, resources, and lived experiences.
Reaching out to others who “get it” can make a world of difference — you’re not alone in this journey. 💛
Yours in Health,
Alisha x
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