Why I Spent My 49th Birthday Away From Everyone I Love (And Why I Almost Said No)

I'm going to be honest with you. I get a bit sooky on my birthday.

Maybe it's the expectations. I build up a little picture in my head of what the day should look like, and then it turns out to be a pretty normal day, with the same work and the same parenting curveballs, and I feel a bit flat. Or maybe it's something deeper. A birthday is an anniversary of starting this big, beautiful life, and life is as challenging as it is wonderful.

Whatever the reason, I've learnt to prepare myself. I go in knowing I'll feel all the feelings.

But I'd never prepared for a birthday without my family and friends around me. And yesterday, that's exactly what my 49th looked like.

The invitation I said no to

A couple of months ago, my high school best friend's older sister reached out. She was two years above us at school, she's been following me on socials, and she runs health retreats. She'd just started new feminine nervous system reset retreats in the Byron Bay hinterland, and she generously offered me a place.

Monday to Friday. Massages. Infrared sauna, a magnesium pool and cold plunges. Restorative yoga. Workshops on creating a softer nervous system, one that can roll with the changes and stresses of life without keeping you stuck in the red or yellow zones too much (I'll explain those zones in another blog, I promise). Beautiful, nourishing food cooked by a nutrition chef. My own room.

What wasn't to love?

Then I got the dates. It fell right over my birthday.

Oh no. I can't not be with my family.

So I thanked her, so very much, and I said no.

Why I said no

But I kept thinking about it. Why had I said no so quickly?

The truth is, I've never had a birthday away from my husband since we met. I just wasn't prepared to do it. And knowing how sooky I can get, I wanted big hugs from the people who love me and know me. I wanted the fun stuff too. Being the centre of attention in my household for one whole day. (Let's be honest, mums, that doesn't come around often.)

Then she asked again

The week before the retreat, she reached out again. Are you sure you don't want to come? This would fit you perfectly.

And this time, something in me said… yeah. Let's do something different.

Because if I'm really honest, I knew I needed a break. I'd been snapping at the kids and just not feeling like myself. I used to take myself off to a health retreat once a year, and I hadn't done that for a couple of years. My cup wasn't just empty. It was rattling around somewhere at the bottom of the dishwasher.

My husband encouraged me to go too. He knows how much better I come back after some time alone.

So off I went, on two conditions. I got to take a few little wrapped gifts with me, and I got to FaceTime my family on my birthday morning while I opened them. Inside? Squishies (yes, I love them, no shame) and a little wrapped-up Tupperware container with a gluten-free donut in it. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

The birthday I didn't see coming

I was made such a fuss of. My first breakfast greeted me with a balloon chair, a chair with a whole balloon arch over the back, plus a little present waiting on my placemat. Then at morning tea out came a gluten-free lemon cake with candles for me to blow out.

The rest of my actual birthday was filled with everything I love. A massage. The infrared sauna. A swim in the magnesium pool. Beautiful food, all of it cooked for me, and not one dish to wash. And the nervous system workshops.

And yes, as per tradition, I cried on my birthday.

But this time it was different. I cried because the workshop made me cry, in the best way. We learnt how to surf our nervous system between all the different states it can move through, and that we don't have to stay in the yellow or red spaces for long. We can pop back out to the green space, and there are so many tools to help us get there. (I've written them all down, and yes, they're getting their own blog too.)

So my birthday tears were constructive tears for once. Tears that actually went somewhere.

I was in bed by 7pm after dinner. Honestly, it was one of the most beautiful birthdays I could have asked for.

So why did I really resist?

Sitting with it, I think it came down to two things: a fear of change, and the realisation that I hadn't been alone for a really long time. Without those yearly retreats, it had been ages since I'd had any solitary time, just me and my thoughts. I think part of me was worried about what I'd find there.

I was also worried about my daughter, who has started distance education and is at home with me now. I'm her main point of contact during the day for, well, everything. Somewhere along the way I'd become the main person for everyone again, without a break, and I'd gotten out of practice at letting go and releasing all those responsibilities.

The world goes on without you (and that's a good thing)

Here's the reminder I needed, and maybe you need it too: the world does go on without you there.

You really can step away, and it's actually better for everyone. Not just for you, but for the people who usually lean on you. They get to learn (or remember) how to cope without you. Nobody in a family should be the only one holding everything together. It should be more of a teamwork situation. But you have to practise the leaving to let that happen.

And there's a double benefit. While you're filling your cup, everyone else reshuffles and finds their new normal for a little while. Which is really good for them too.

Forty-nine and grateful

So yes, I know why I resisted. And I'm so glad I finally said yes.

I feel very grateful and very lucky to be 49. I love getting older. Every year is truly a gift, and that never makes me sad. It's not the getting older that makes me sooky on my birthday. It's the remembering. The anniversary of this, and the anniversary of that, and the anniversary of this big, beautiful life.

This year I got to sit with all of it, quietly, with balloons and lemon cake and a whole lot of tears that actually went somewhere good.

Over to you

Is there something you've been saying no to because the timing felt wrong, or because the guilt was louder than the want?

It doesn't have to be a week in Byron. It might be an afternoon to yourself, a solo coffee, a walk without anyone needing a snack. Whatever it is, maybe this is your sign to practise the leaving. Your family will be okay. And you'll come back more you.

I'd love to hear about it. Leave a comment below, or come and find me on Instagram @_naughty_naturopath_mum and drop me a 💛.

Big love,

Alisha xx

And a shout out to Linda from Rebourn Retreats for inviting me and for my amazing massage and being spoilt on my Birthday and to Naomi from Heal Like A Woman for this incredible nervous system work. If you'd like to join in their next retreat being held in April next year, just reach out to Linda via her FB page.

P.S. A little something for when you're ready to step away

If you're feeling the pull to put yourself back on the list, these are the blends I'd reach for:

• Mumma Magic – for the mum who's been running on empty and still showing up every single day.
• Let It Go – for those moments when you're ready to loosen your grip and let others take a turn holding things.
• Slow Down – for when life has been moving at a hundred miles an hour and you're craving a softer pace.
• Self Love – for remembering that filling your own cup isn't selfish, it's part of looking after everyone.