Part 1: Understanding PDA in Kids & Teens – Our Story and What It Really Looks Like
If you’ve ever felt like your child flat out cannot do the things you’re asking of them—no matter how small or fun those things are—you’re not alone. I want to talk about something called PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). It’s something we only started really understanding when my daughter was diagnosed with both autism and a PDA profile at age 14.
Honestly? It explained so much. But it also turned everything I thought I knew about parenting upside down...
What Is PDA (in simple terms)?
PDA is basically when everyday demands—like brushing teeth, getting dressed, doing homework, or even joining in something they enjoy—cause big feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. It’s not a case of laziness or defiance. For kids with PDA, a simple request can feel like pressure, and that pressure feels unsafe in their body.
So what do they do? They avoid it. Not because they don’t want to do it, but because their nervous system is screaming 'danger' at them. They literally go into flight or fight mode.
What PDA Can Look Like
- Avoiding even the smallest request (and being super creative about it)
- Making jokes, changing the subject, or suddenly needing something else when you ask them to do something
- Complete shutdowns or meltdowns when pushed
- Being fine at school but unravelling at home (that after-school collapse is real!)
- Finding ways to stay in control, because when they feel out of control, panic sets in
From the outside, it can look like your child is being difficult. From the inside, it feels like survival.
Why It’s So Hard to Understand
The hardest thing as a parent is that the usual tools don’t work. Consequences, charts, “follow through”—they often make things worse, not better. And that’s really hard, because it can feel like you’re not doing your job properly.
I had to unlearn a lot of what I thought made me a ‘good parent.’ With PDA, it’s less about getting compliance and more about building trust and connection so the demands don’t feel so scary. It’s a complete mindset shift. So what looks like getting away with everything is actually allowing your child’s nervous system to reset until they are in a better place to deal with demands or instructions again.
My Daughter’s Diagnosis
When we got the diagnosis, it was a strange mix of relief and grief. Relief because suddenly it all made sense. Grief because I thought back to all the times I didn’t understand, and the battles we both lost. I have wasted a lot of time beating myself up for making things worse when we didn’t understand what was happening…I am trying to do this less as until you know better, you think you are doing the right thing by your kid…but it’s hard. I wish we had known sooner and she may not have entered PDA burnout which is where she currently is. The time it takes to recover from this varies from weeks to years depending on how much you can help the nervous system in the meantime.
But it’s also been empowering—because once you know better, you can do better. And you realise that the way forward isn’t about being stricter, it’s about being softer, safer, and more collaborative. I have done so much reading and talking to psychologists to understand this pathology better and it's been such a hits and misses journey so far.
But it’s such a relief to know what’s going on! For so many years we were at such a loss as to why things felt so hard for our gorgeous girl.
Another battle for our family is how this has all felt to our son who is just 15 months younger than our daughter and at 13 he has had to understand her diagnosis as well as have completely different rules than his sister which at times feels dreadfully unfair to him.
We’ve tried to make this as easy as possible where we can for example, giving him double the pocket money to take over his sister’s chores as well as giving him more time to game online with his mates (as his sister has waaaaay more time than she used to so we had to make a concession there).
So yes, it's been complicated and messy so far but we are so glad we are on the journey WITH her and the PDA rather than battling something that we weren't even aware of anymore.
👉 In Part Two, I’ll share how our parenting style changed, what actually works in day-to-day life, and some practical tips for families navigating PDA.
In the meantime, please check out the 4 blends we use most to support our emotions as we all go through this which are all in the Teenager Pack (these are for any age by the way!) and I'll be back with more soon!
Yours in Health,
Alisha x
Part 1: Understanding PDA in Kids & Teens – Our Story and What It Really Looks Like
If you’ve ever felt like your child flat out cannot do the things you’re asking of them—no matter how small or fun those things are—you’re not alone. I want to talk about something called PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). It’s something we only started really understanding when my daughter was diagnosed with both autism and a PDA profile at age 14.
Honestly? It explained so much. But it also turned everything I thought I knew about parenting upside down...
What Is PDA (in simple terms)?
PDA is basically when everyday demands—like brushing teeth, getting dressed, doing homework, or even joining in something they enjoy—cause big feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. It’s not a case of laziness or defiance. For kids with PDA, a simple request can feel like pressure, and that pressure feels unsafe in their body.
So what do they do? They avoid it. Not because they don’t want to do it, but because their nervous system is screaming 'danger' at them. They literally go into flight or fight mode.
What PDA Can Look Like
- Avoiding even the smallest request (and being super creative about it)
- Making jokes, changing the subject, or suddenly needing something else when you ask them to do something
- Complete shutdowns or meltdowns when pushed
- Being fine at school but unravelling at home (that after-school collapse is real!)
- Finding ways to stay in control, because when they feel out of control, panic sets in
From the outside, it can look like your child is being difficult. From the inside, it feels like survival.
Why It’s So Hard to Understand
The hardest thing as a parent is that the usual tools don’t work. Consequences, charts, “follow through”—they often make things worse, not better. And that’s really hard, because it can feel like you’re not doing your job properly.
I had to unlearn a lot of what I thought made me a ‘good parent.’ With PDA, it’s less about getting compliance and more about building trust and connection so the demands don’t feel so scary. It’s a complete mindset shift. So what looks like getting away with everything is actually allowing your child’s nervous system to reset until they are in a better place to deal with demands or instructions again.
My Daughter’s Diagnosis
When we got the diagnosis, it was a strange mix of relief and grief. Relief because suddenly it all made sense. Grief because I thought back to all the times I didn’t understand, and the battles we both lost. I have wasted a lot of time beating myself up for making things worse when we didn’t understand what was happening…I am trying to do this less as until you know better, you think you are doing the right thing by your kid…but it’s hard. I wish we had known sooner and she may not have entered PDA burnout which is where she currently is. The time it takes to recover from this varies from weeks to years depending on how much you can help the nervous system in the meantime.
But it’s also been empowering—because once you know better, you can do better. And you realise that the way forward isn’t about being stricter, it’s about being softer, safer, and more collaborative. I have done so much reading and talking to psychologists to understand this pathology better and it's been such a hits and misses journey so far.
But it’s such a relief to know what’s going on! For so many years we were at such a loss as to why things felt so hard for our gorgeous girl.
Another battle for our family is how this has all felt to our son who is just 15 months younger than our daughter and at 13 he has had to understand her diagnosis as well as have completely different rules than his sister which at times feels dreadfully unfair to him.
We’ve tried to make this as easy as possible where we can for example, giving him double the pocket money to take over his sister’s chores as well as giving him more time to game online with his mates (as his sister has waaaaay more time than she used to so we had to make a concession there).
So yes, it's been complicated and messy so far but we are so glad we are on the journey WITH her and the PDA rather than battling something that we weren't even aware of anymore.
👉 In Part Two, I’ll share how our parenting style changed, what actually works in day-to-day life, and some practical tips for families navigating PDA.
In the meantime, please check out the 4 blends we use most to support our emotions as we all go through this which are all in the Teenager Pack (these are for any age by the way!) and I'll be back with more soon!
Yours in Health,
Alisha x
3 comments
Thanks for sharing your storing, it makes it so much easier to understand. I hate the name of it though, I don’t think it gives much understanding to it
Absolutely love reading your posts as they are so very relatable. I also have a daughter who is 14 and I’m pretty sure she has Austism and ODD, after reading this, it sounds like her down to a T! I’ve never found anyone that’s been able to help me which in turn lead to me having a nervous breakdown and the last couple of years have been a journey in which your products have helped a great deal. Thank you for being so open and sharing your journey ❤️ look forward to part 2!
Hey Alisha, loving the 360!!!!!! Thank you for sharing this, cannot wait for the next post, in the tips would love to hear what you and hubby do to keep yourselves balanced, as at times it becomes so very overwhelming. Pretty please 🙏❤️😃
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