I had a lot of things go wrong this week.

I got some news I really didn’t want to get.

I had a staff member leave suddenly and unexpectedly.

I got really sick and had to cancel a whole lot of things….

I fell out with my husband.

But one of the hardest things that happened to me this week…was hearing my 14 year old daughter say: “I wish you would go away again. I like it better when you’re not here.”

Now I know that was meant to hurt. I know it was meant to land exactly as it did. I know she’s a 14 year old girl, trying to get through Year 9, recover from a very tumultuous time and still in the midst of processing her autism diagnosis we got this year.

I know I’m her safe place to land and her vessel to fill with all the confusion, pain and anger she feels right now.

I know we are so close and so alike that hurting each other feels like hurting ourselves.

But none of that knowledge helped me this week.

I felt so rejected and hurt and sad.

And I also felt guilt and shame…

Was I really that bad a mother? Would she be better off if I wasn’t here?

Would life be easier if she didn’t have a mirror held up at all times so she’s constantly reminded by what her dysfunction as well as her potential can look like?

And if I’m asking myself this, are other parents out there asking this too?

It’s our job to get them through this hard time and it’s our job to not take it personally but sometimes it feels very bloody personal doesn’t it?

The best advice I’ve been given since my daughter entered the teenage years was “Don’t pick up the grenades they throw”

Just leave them lying there, unexploded, on the ground.

And for someone as sensitive as myself, someone who loves and feels with every cell in my body, that has been the hardest thing to do.

But it’s also been the smartest advice I’ve been given at this stage of my parenting.

I’ve been sworn at, told I’m a bad mother, told that it would be better if I would go away, that I nag too much, am too controlling, too strict, too this and too that.

And mostly, I’ve left every grenade lying there on the ground. I walk away and I cry into my pillow and when I come back, the grenade is no longer there.

There is just a young girl who is sorry and tells me she loves me and hands out apologies and lets go of tears that she’s been holding back for many other reasons.

I’m aware that she’s using her safest place to direct all her feelings at to help her unleash and understand what is being held inside.

But gosh it hurts and I imagine it will continue to hurt for as long as she needs to do this.

But it hurts a lot less in the aftermath now that I leave those grenades on the ground. I don’t have to deal with the guilt and the shame of escalating anything by picking those grenades up. I’ve learnt they are not really meant for me.

Two neurodiverse women, one still going through early teenage years and the other going through perimenopause…this was never going to be easy.

But gosh it’s been illuminating.

And if any of this has resonated with anyone out there, I hope you feel a little less alone.

And I hope you will remember not to pick up the grenades.

And instead, please pick up things that help you feel less alone and less hurt. Pick up the phone, pick up a pet, pick up your journal and write out your feelings, pick up your flower essence blends and take them.

You will be ok. Despite how it feels, you’re doing a fantastic job. It’s also ok if you feel too much….it’s what makes you such a wonderful parent.

And if you wish you had an emotional support toolkit to hand to your tween or teen, please look into our Teenager Pack. It won’t stop the feelings of hurt, confusion and pain as these are unfortunately a necessary part of this stage of life, but it will help them (and you!) deal with the aftershocks of these big feels.

All my love,

Alisha x 

I had a lot of things go wrong this week.

I got some news I really didn’t want to get.

I had a staff member leave suddenly and unexpectedly.

I got really sick and had to cancel a whole lot of things….

I fell out with my husband.

But one of the hardest things that happened to me this week…was hearing my 14 year old daughter say: “I wish you would go away again. I like it better when you’re not here.”

Now I know that was meant to hurt. I know it was meant to land exactly as it did. I know she’s a 14 year old girl, trying to get through Year 9, recover from a very tumultuous time and still in the midst of processing her autism diagnosis we got this year.

I know I’m her safe place to land and her vessel to fill with all the confusion, pain and anger she feels right now.

I know we are so close and so alike that hurting each other feels like hurting ourselves.

But none of that knowledge helped me this week.

I felt so rejected and hurt and sad.

And I also felt guilt and shame…

Was I really that bad a mother? Would she be better off if I wasn’t here?

Would life be easier if she didn’t have a mirror held up at all times so she’s constantly reminded by what her dysfunction as well as her potential can look like?

And if I’m asking myself this, are other parents out there asking this too?

It’s our job to get them through this hard time and it’s our job to not take it personally but sometimes it feels very bloody personal doesn’t it?

The best advice I’ve been given since my daughter entered the teenage years was “Don’t pick up the grenades they throw”

Just leave them lying there, unexploded, on the ground.

And for someone as sensitive as myself, someone who loves and feels with every cell in my body, that has been the hardest thing to do.

But it’s also been the smartest advice I’ve been given at this stage of my parenting.

I’ve been sworn at, told I’m a bad mother, told that it would be better if I would go away, that I nag too much, am too controlling, too strict, too this and too that.

And mostly, I’ve left every grenade lying there on the ground. I walk away and I cry into my pillow and when I come back, the grenade is no longer there.

There is just a young girl who is sorry and tells me she loves me and hands out apologies and lets go of tears that she’s been holding back for many other reasons.

I’m aware that she’s using her safest place to direct all her feelings at to help her unleash and understand what is being held inside.

But gosh it hurts and I imagine it will continue to hurt for as long as she needs to do this.

But it hurts a lot less in the aftermath now that I leave those grenades on the ground. I don’t have to deal with the guilt and the shame of escalating anything by picking those grenades up. I’ve learnt they are not really meant for me.

Two neurodiverse women, one still going through early teenage years and the other going through perimenopause…this was never going to be easy.

But gosh it’s been illuminating.

And if any of this has resonated with anyone out there, I hope you feel a little less alone.

And I hope you will remember not to pick up the grenades.

And instead, please pick up things that help you feel less alone and less hurt. Pick up the phone, pick up a pet, pick up your journal and write out your feelings, pick up your flower essence blends and take them.

You will be ok. Despite how it feels, you’re doing a fantastic job. It’s also ok if you feel too much….it’s what makes you such a wonderful parent.

And if you wish you had an emotional support toolkit to hand to your tween or teen, please look into our Teenager Pack. It won’t stop the feelings of hurt, confusion and pain as these are unfortunately a necessary part of this stage of life, but it will help them (and you!) deal with the aftershocks of these big feels.

All my love,

Alisha x