I want to talk about sex baby, I want to talk about you and me!
Just kidding. I'm not a sex therapist and I'll leave the mind blowing sex info to someone else but I do want to talk about how we FEEL about sex and our sexual relationships.
I can also tell you how you can improve your sex drive!
How we feel about our sex life changes with our age and our life circumstances and I want to just start out by saying that wherever you are at is completely NORMAL. Simply because: there is no one parameter to measure how you feel about sex, how often you are having sex and how often you WANT to have sex.
So it's all good ok?
I can tell you that if you feel you have a non-existent sex drive though, you are in a pretty big majority of women these days and there are things you can do to improve it.
And why does it matter if we are having sex or not? Well sex is good for you! It is so good for your heart and cardiovascular system, it balances your hormones, it relieves stress and lowers risk of disease. Not to mention that sex creates more bonding and feelings of intimacy with your partner which does more than make you feel warm and fuzzy, it actually reduces anxiety and boosts your overall health.
So what I want to share in this blog are all things that can affect our mojo and the things that we can do to help get our mojo back, if it is hibernating for any reason! I hope you will find this a handy read and look into some of the areas that might be affecting your libido.
Things that Affect our Mojo
- Hormonal Fluctuations is probably one of the biggies. Especially for women because our hormones are fluctuating all the bloody time! If you are still menstruating, your hornier times (or higher mojo time!) is around your ovulation time which is roughly around day 14 of your cycle so a few days either side of this date is generally when you will feel your mojo ramping up. Some women experience a surge in their mojo during the perimenopause years as well. Having babies can really change our libido levels for so many reasons but yes also due to hormonal fluctuations!
- Our self image really affects our mojo. If we like what we see in the mirror, we are likely to be more comfortable in our skin which makes us more open with a sexual partner.
- Feeling safe and loved. Having an open and comfortable sexual relationship with someone can really affect how often and how happy we are having sex.
- Past Abuse and Trauma. Our past emotions and associations with sex greatly affects our libido. If there is something suppressed or unresolved in our sexual history, this can often serve as a barrier to having a healthy libido.
- Energy, space and time! All these important elements are things that can influence our libido. Who feels like getting their groove on when they are exhausted at the end of the day or has had kids hanging off them for 10 hours straight?
- Boredom or stale relationships. This can have a massive affect on our libido and is often felt within long term relationships now and again.
Things we can do to increase our mojo
- Hormonal Balance
So firstly, balancing our hormones when they are out of whack is no easy feat. Stress, illness, medications we are on, our thyroid levels, what age we are, having children - these are all things that can throw our reproductive hormones out of whack.
Estrogen is the hormone that makes us more receptive to having sex so when our estrogen levels are higher, we are more flirty and open to the idea of having sex.
Testosterone is another important hormone and higher levels of testosterone generally increase our overall sex drive and makes us want to initiate sex.
If you suspect your hormones are out of whack, I strongly recommend working one on one with a Naturopath and getting your hormones tested. There are some great herbs like Maca, Ginseng, Chaste Tree, Wild Yam, Horny Goat Weed (I'm not kidding you!) and Tribulis that can help support and balance your reproductive hormones or you may need other types of herbs and supplements to support your adrenals or thyroid.
Also have a read of this link HERE which has a lot of handy tips when it comes to balancing reproductive hormones.
- Self Esteem
This is another tricky one and again one that will have a different approach for everyone but if you know that you don't like how you look or aren't comfortable in your own skin, then this will ultimately affect your mojo. I would recommend doing some work on loving yourself, flaws and all, with either some counselling or the plethora of amazing books out there on the subject.
Working on the relationship you have with yourself will increase your mojo and zest for life and I'd love you to take a look at this link HERE if you think you need to work on your self love and the relationship you have with your body.
- Feeling Safe and Loved
How can we open up sexually if we don't feel safe or loved? The person we are having sex with has a huge affect on our libido. Are you being listened to? Are you being respected? Do you feel like you have to do things to suit your partner instead of yourself? When your partner makes sexual advances on you, is all you can think about the fact that they have forgotten to take the rubbish out again!?
The biggest fix here is open communication. It may not be a magic wand but it can get the ball rolling in the right direction. Talk about things that matter to you. Let your partner know what you like and don't like in and out of the bedroom!
Our sex life has a lot more going on with it than just the actual act of sex itself so really take everything being left unsaid between you and your sexual partner into consideration and work on things together if you can.
- Past Abuse and Trauma
Never underestimate what suppressed emotions and past sexual incidents you have buried can do to your sex drive. Even if you have had no issues with your sex drive before, different stages of your life and certain events can trigger old memories that may be affecting it now.
Sex is a consensual and precious gift to give someone and if that has ever been abused, your natural urges will definitely be affected. Sex can make us feel vulnerable and if we have been disrespected and treated badly, it's almost like an extra layer of vulnerability is at play.
What I recommend here is counselling first and foremost. You can actually rewire your brain and how you think about sex simply through the art of becoming aware, acknowledging and talking things through with a professional.
I also make Custom flower essence blends for helping shift and release these specific emotions surrounding trauma and abuse.
- Energy, Space and Time!
Ah yes, the elusive three factors which are a major help to getting your groove on! Back in the days before life got crazy hectic and maybe kids came along, I bet you had the energy and inclination to want sex more than you do now?
It's hard to feel sexy when you have worn the same yoga pants and baggy shirt for a few days that may or may not be covered in food and spit up! Or perhaps you are in a demanding job with constant deadlines to meet and can't imagine when your sex life makes an appearance on your google calendar? Kids at home certainly make a pretty big dent in the energy, space and time trifactor too hey?
So, what I recommend here is making sex a priority again even if you don't necessarily feel like it right now. Believe it or not, spending time thinking about it and factoring it in as important will start to make you feel like it more!
Think about times where you can maybe spend alone time with your partner? Could you get to bed when the kids are down instead of spending another night on the couch with Netflix? Could you pop something in your calendar under a code like MM which stands for Mojo Meeting! ;) And if energy is eluding you to even want to do this, You have to check out my Mojo Pack!
- Boredom and Stale Relationships
I do think couples counselling is amazing for reconnecting with your partner. The importance of your relationship with your partner can take the back burner sometimes but remind yourself that this is a really important part of your life and you need to put time into it just as you need to put time into everything else that you want to keep healthy.
If there is any intimacy lacking in the bedroom, there is intimacy lacking in other parts of your relationship so getting along to some counselling together is a really helpful first step.
Maybe intimacy is fine but you are feeling bored? Well change things up a bit and most importantly talk to your partner about it. Everything approached together has a better solution.
And concentrating on your date nights again will help a lot! If you have family nearby or a close friend you can swap babysitting duties with or even pay a babysitter, scheduling a monthly date night where you chat about yourselves to each other over dinner can be a wonderful way to start reigniting intimacy again!
The more we spend time listening to each other and talking to each other, the closer we feel to each other which leads to wanting to get any closer if you know what I mean! ;) Leaving the house and connecting with your partner away from all the domesticity that may surround you these days can also help remind you of what your relationship was like at the beginning when it was fresh and exciting! And if impossible to leave the house, think of ways you can do date night at home but leave the tv off!
And of course being a flower essence practitioner, I have to let you know about a pack I created to help with your Mojo! It contains the Mojo flower essence blend and Mojo flower essence mist.
Mojo blend is designed to nurture you and give you back your mojo by building confidence, self esteem and appreciation and love of your physical form. It also contains essences to let go of expectations and inhibitions that can sometimes mar the sexual experience. There is also an essence for increasing your vim and vigour in there!
Mojo Mist helps you add another layer of this very same energy around yourself and the bedroom. It also contains the sensual smelling essential oils of Rose Geranium, Ylang Ylang and Clary Sage. Using this pack regularly or on an 'as needed' basis, you will definitely feel like you are getting your groove back!
The Mojo pack is designed to support and release the emotions surrounding our all important Mojo and it's a great place to start if wanting to make some changes to this area of your life so make sure you jump on the link and read more about this pack HERE.
Yours in Health,