I'm stealing this single most important parenting strategy...
Tell me if this sounds familiar.
You've had a day. Nothing really went your way. The laundry is piling up. The house is a mess. The dog is scratching at the door to be fed. You're contemplating dinner. One of the kids yells out, "Mum, what's for dinner?"
And when you tell them, they reply with a groan, and words along the line of, "Not again, I hate spaghetti bolognese."
Then you lose it.
You raise your voice and you say things in a way you'd be embarrassed for anyone to overhear. Your child goes off crying to their bedroom, and you're left there with your own feelings.
Guilt. Shame. Anger. Why did I react like that?
Have I messed things up forever?
Feel familiar?
Dr Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, has a brilliant strategy (listen to the TED talk here) for dealing with these moments, and I have stolen it, and I suggest you do too.
First all, know that all parents yell. Some more than others. You are not alone.
It's what happens after that matters most.
Do you move on?
Or do you say something?
And if you say something, what on earth do you say?
Dr Becky says this isn't about apologising, because that puts a full stop on a conversation. It's an I'm sorry, let's move on.
Instead it's about repairing. It's time to get good at repair.
We need to go back to the moment of disconnection. Take responsibility for our behaviour. Then, acknowledge the impact it had.
If we don't repair, kids lean on the only coping mechanism they know; self blame. They often sit in their room thinking, "I'm unlovable. I made mum mad. I made this happen."
With repair, we effectively change the past. We own that we're not proud of the behaviour, and it also doesn't define us.
So what are the steps?
- Name what happened
- Take responsibility
- State what you would do differently the next time
With this, we're teaching them skills (and teaching ourselves too), because we're still learning too, right?
What do you think? Is this a strategy that would work in your home too?
----
Take a look at Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids for more information (it's a great resource), as well as Dr. Becky Kennedy's Podcast, Good Inside.
Lean on our Calm Your Farm Pack, as well as Mum's Toolkit as well.
I'm stealing this single most important parenting strategy...
Tell me if this sounds familiar.
You've had a day. Nothing really went your way. The laundry is piling up. The house is a mess. The dog is scratching at the door to be fed. You're contemplating dinner. One of the kids yells out, "Mum, what's for dinner?"
And when you tell them, they reply with a groan, and words along the line of, "Not again, I hate spaghetti bolognese."
Then you lose it.
You raise your voice and you say things in a way you'd be embarrassed for anyone to overhear. Your child goes off crying to their bedroom, and you're left there with your own feelings.
Guilt. Shame. Anger. Why did I react like that?
Have I messed things up forever?
Feel familiar?
Dr Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, has a brilliant strategy (listen to the TED talk here) for dealing with these moments, and I have stolen it, and I suggest you do too.
First all, know that all parents yell. Some more than others. You are not alone.
It's what happens after that matters most.
Do you move on?
Or do you say something?
And if you say something, what on earth do you say?
Dr Becky says this isn't about apologising, because that puts a full stop on a conversation. It's an I'm sorry, let's move on.
Instead it's about repairing. It's time to get good at repair.
We need to go back to the moment of disconnection. Take responsibility for our behaviour. Then, acknowledge the impact it had.
If we don't repair, kids lean on the only coping mechanism they know; self blame. They often sit in their room thinking, "I'm unlovable. I made mum mad. I made this happen."
With repair, we effectively change the past. We own that we're not proud of the behaviour, and it also doesn't define us.
So what are the steps?
- Name what happened
- Take responsibility
- State what you would do differently the next time
With this, we're teaching them skills (and teaching ourselves too), because we're still learning too, right?
What do you think? Is this a strategy that would work in your home too?
----
Take a look at Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids for more information (it's a great resource), as well as Dr. Becky Kennedy's Podcast, Good Inside.
Lean on our Calm Your Farm Pack, as well as Mum's Toolkit as well.
