This is a personal letter to my husband that I am sharing as I thought it might help others in a similar position to me at this stage in my life. The person I was before becoming a mum is rapidly evolving into someone who cares less and less about what others think and more and more about getting it out there and being true to myself. I wrote this for me, my husband and for anyone else who needs to read it as it might just get you to your next step whatever that may be.
So, marriage huh? I'm certainly no expert as I have only been at this gig for the same time as you - 8 years but who's counting? I know that the relationship we once had is no longer there but I also know that we have a new kind of relationship every few years and that's been interesting...
I remember that we had such a hard time being apart during our work day immediately after our 6 week honeymoon...I remember waiting for you eagerly when you got home from work out at the front gate because I wanted to see you before you made it to the front stairs. Every second counted.
Now, when I hear the sound of your bike on the driveway, I just feel relief, as it means that I will have another pair of hands to help me. I will be able to stop acting like a crazy 8 armed octopus lady for a minute, have a glass of water and watch you greet the kids before, like an automated machine, you change into comfy clothes and begin the nightly tasks with the kids.
Sometimes we remember to kiss hello or pause for a hug and ask each other how the day went but it's almost perfunctory, obligatory...and it's certainly done distractedly.
I know sometimes we feel alone even when we are together because we have moved so far away from what we once were. I wonder if when you look at me, do you see the woman you married or the mother of your kids...or is it both you see?
I see you only on some days.
I mean, I see you every day, but sometimes I wonder if you went missing and a policeman asked me what you were wearing when you left the house, would I be able to tell them?
I don't currently know your favourite song.
I don't know the names of anyone you work with in your new job.
I don't know whether you are sleeping well until I remember to ask on the odd occasion...
I don't know what you eat for lunch.
I don't know how you feel about certain world topics as we no longer have the time or energy to ask each other's opinions.
I know that you are wanting new cycling gear as you left an ebay page open on the computer.
I know you enjoy riding to work again and that you are looking slimmer for it. I know that your face lights up as soon as you see your children and that you adore being a father even though you look as tired as me.
I know that you are happy that it's footy season again.
I know that like me, you wish we had more time for each other because you tell me this when I get sad and say that I miss you.
So how do I feel about you now compared to those days of all of our energy and love directed only at each other?
I didn't know until recently and that's why I'm writing to you.
I want you to know that since what happened to Sam, talking has not been my forte. Writing it has been. I have had you and my family think that I am not coping well as I seem to just want to blog about things, rather than talk about them. You all may be right...but I believe that what I am about to write could never be said quite as well or my point gotten across to you just as I would like it...so here goes...
So we went to your Bruce Springsteen concert a while ago, I was going just to see your face as you finally got to watch your favourite singer because as you know, I was not a big fan. I was almost grumpy as we left the house, thanking my mum for babysitting the kids and wishing we were doing something I would love, like eating somewhere fancy! Do you remember we fought in the car? I forget about what, but I remember looking at your sideways profile and feeling stirrings of hate. They were not surprising feelings as I have felt those stirring many times over the last few years.
If I really have to be honest, I was jealous.
Jealous that we were going to see 'your' concert after my last two attempts at concerts had failed. Remember the Elbow ticket I bought and even though I was still breastfeeding and also pregnant, I felt so proud that I had bought myself a ticket to do something on my own? Something I loved. Something for me. I got the flu and couldn't go and cried and cried. But it wasn't just about missing the concert was it?
The next time I really wanted to see something (Regina Spektor) I bought myself a ticket and again, the day of the concert arrived and due to my 'new life' circumstances, a friend had to go on my behalf. Again, the tears!
So here we were, driving to Bruce and I was jealous because it certainly looked like no-one would be missing this.
And I'm so glad.
You see Scott, it was at this concert when I was reminded why I loved you and why I would always love you.
Let me explain.
When we first met, we didn't share much in the way of our musical tastes...apart from Cat Stevens, Nina Simone and Powderfinger, we didn't 'get' each others music tastes.
Of course over the years, surely but slowly, our tastes intertwined a bit more and melded together. But somehow Bruce must have woven himself in somewhere because as the concert kept going, I realised it was like listening to the soundtrack of my life for the last 12 years. I knew the words and the songs and they made me happy. I stood up and felt the collective energy of the entertainment center and the collective appreciation of an amazing songwriter, singer and performer.
This was what I had been waiting for since becoming a mum, to feel this way again and I realised it had been a long time since I had been to my 'church'. You know this about me, live music has always made me feel alive and without traditional religion in either of our families we have understood that this must be what religious ceremonies and services are like for others. People praying together, rhythmic dancing, whirling dervishes, chanting, meditating or listening to music that takes you higher - it's all that group energy appreciating something with their souls at the same time.
And you know, I'm glad my reawakening was with Bruce and not Elbow or Regina. This man spoke of rock and soul, that the show was to build a stairway of love, spirit and community. He paused for a minutes silence and asked us to stand with our ghosts for a bit to honour his best friend who had passed away last year and I finally released the first part of what I had been holding in since Sam got sick. I cried again, but this time, it cleansed.
I looked over at you and this time the sideways profile of your face filled me with love and hope and understanding of you and my future. Your eyes were shining with unshed tears and you looked like a little boy on Christmas morning and as the concert went on, I finally got it.
Why you love Bruce so much. He is a man that despite being through everything that someone of his fame and profession has gone through, is still happily married, devoted and missing his wife when he tours (he told us!). He crowd surfed at the age of 62 like a big kid, and you Scott, are a big kid.
He went into the crowd several times and let people touch him and hold his hand as he just wanted to give of himself. You Scott, want this too even though you sometimes don't know how to but you always want to.
He picked up a young girl and sang with her and made her night and he obviously loves children and his kids like you do.
He was cheeky and let a lady kiss his cheek, you Scott are cheeky too.
He was passionate and so, so, so positive and out of everyone I know, Scott, that is you also.
So I finally got it. I got you. I got your love of Bruce and I know without a doubt that if a man like that is your hero, that tells me all I need to know about the kind of man you are and I am so lucky to be married to you. I will never pay out your love of Bruce again and even during this phase of our marriage with small kids where it is for certain that we will lose each other here and there, I know for a fact, that I will always find you again as what we have is enduring, passionate, positive, enlightening and it's my religion.
I love you and I want you to know that I'm a born again BOSStian.