The Control We Didn’t Choose (But Learned Anyway)

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about where our patterns actually come from.

Not the ones we consciously choose…
But the ones that quietly run underneath everything.

Because if you’re anything like me — a Gen X (or older Millennial) mum — there’s a good chance you were raised in a home where parenting looked a lot like:

• discipline
• consequences
• “because I said so”
• fear of getting it wrong

And very little room for emotional expression.

Not because our parents didn’t love us.
But because that was what they were taught too.

The Generation That Was Taught Control = Safety

For many of us, childhood felt like something you had to get right.

You behaved… or there were consequences.
You didn’t talk back.
You didn’t question authority.
You learned very quickly what was “acceptable” and what wasn’t.

And what that does — over time — is wire your nervous system to believe:

“If I stay in control, I stay safe.”

So we became hyper-aware.
Careful.
Responsible.
Sometimes even a little bit anxious underneath it all.

Because love often felt tied to behaviour.

And Then We Became Parents…

Here’s where it gets really layered.

Because now we’re raising children in a completely different way.

We want connection.
We want emotional safety.
We want our kids to feel seen, heard, supported.

But…

That old wiring doesn’t just disappear.

So what can happen is this quiet internal tug-of-war:

• We want to be calm… but feel triggered quickly
• We want to allow emotions… but feel overwhelmed by them
• We want to trust the process… but try to control the outcome

And underneath it all?

Fear.

Fear that they’ll struggle.
Fear that we’ll fail them.
Fear that things will feel out of control — the very thing we were taught to avoid.

The Part No One Talks About

This week I went to my kinesiologist.

And once again, the same thing came up —
my sacral chakra was low in energy.

This isn’t new for me.
It’s something I’ve had to work on for years.

But it made so much sense in the context of everything above.

What Is the Sacral Chakra?

The sacral chakra sits in your lower abdomen, just below your belly button.

Energetically, it’s connected to:

• emotions
• creativity
• pleasure
• flow
• trust
• and your ability to feel safe in the unknown

It’s the part of you that allows life to move through you —
instead of feeling like you have to grip tightly to manage it.

When this energy is balanced, you tend to feel:

• emotionally steady
• open
• adaptable
• able to experience feelings without being overwhelmed by them

But when it’s out of balance or depleted…

It can show up as:

• needing control to feel safe
• fear of uncertainty
• emotional reactivity or shutdown
• difficulty letting go
• tension around change or unpredictability

Sound familiar?

Control Isn’t the Problem — It’s the Protection

This is the part I think is really important.

The control we carry as mums isn’t because we’re doing it wrong.

It’s because our bodies learned that control = safety.

So when things feel uncertain, chaotic, emotional, loud…
our nervous system goes:

“Quick — grab hold of something.”

And often that “something” becomes:

• controlling behaviour
• controlling outcomes
• trying to prevent discomfort (for them and for us)

But the kind of parenting we’re trying to do now?

It asks us to sit in the uncomfortable.

To allow big emotions.
To not always fix things.
To trust that our kids can move through things without us controlling every step.

And that can feel deeply unsafe in a body that was never taught how to do that.

Relearning Safety (Without Control)

This is the work.

Not becoming a “perfect parent.”

But slowly teaching your body:

“I can be safe… even when I’m not in control.”

That might look like:

• pausing instead of reacting
• letting a moment be messy
• allowing your child’s emotions without shutting them down
• noticing when your need to control is actually fear speaking

And gently, gently… softening around it.

Not all at once.

But bit by bit.

A Gentle Support Along the Way

If this is something you recognise in yourself — you’re not alone.

So many of us are unwinding generations of conditioning while raising children in a completely new way.

And sometimes, we need support that meets us on that deeper emotional level.

Blends that support the sacral space — like Courage and then using other blends like Let It Go and Protect — can be really beautiful companions in this work.

Helping to soften fear, release the need to grip so tightly, and gently bring your system back into a place of trust and flow.

You’re not too much.
You’re not getting it wrong.
You’re just learning something that was never modelled for you.

And that takes courage.

Always here with you 💛

Alisha x